Life After Death (Podcast)
Episode 10 - Wife, Mother and Grandmother
Transcript and Show Note Links (if applicable)
Summary
Philip’s short, and personal podcast journey concludes.
How he feels. A summation of what he has learnt. Where he goes from here.
Episode 10 -
Wife, Mother and Grandmother
Transcript:
Mum’s headstone bears the inscription “Wife, Mother and Grandmother”. The three things I think she wanted most out of life, but she was much much more.
This podcast reflecting on this past year has led me on quite a journey. I’ve forced myself to confront my biggest sorrow, some wonderful memories and reminded myself of who I am, as well as reflecting on the place Mum has in my heart.
And how do I feel?
I feel calm, at peace with myself. Losing Mum still hurts and I think it always will, but in a strange way this podcast has been like a journey of discovery and I feel like I know her better. Not that there is any new information, it’s just that I have some perspective on who she was and our relationship. In truth I’m not disappointed with what I’ve learnt, nor am I regretful. She was, and always will be, Mum. But she was more than that, she was her own person with an inner drive of her own and I believe she lived the life she wanted; a fulfilled life.
And the best way I feel I can honour Mum is for me to live my best life, as we all should do. To be the best me that I can be; in what I do and my relationships.
And also be mindful of what’s important, and not be selfish. Like Mum I am half of a union, so my plans must also mean I strive to be the best husband I can be, making plans not only for myself but for me and my Wife.
And also remember to be more the “cheeky little boy” that Mum loved so much, regardless of how old I get or what befalls me. And in doing so hopefully raise the bar.
And with Mum gone I must also help look after Dad. Ensure he knows I’m here for him if he needs me, but without robbing him of his independence.
But above all, this journey has taught me that I must accentuate the positive. That it’s too easy to fall into a pit of heartbroken despair and beat yourself up for all the things you could, and maybe should, have done or said. After a few months of crying myself to sleep at night I realised that I was most likely making myself ill and that would be the last thing Mum would want me to do.
There is a huge bond between mind and body, so much so that the body will react and respond to mental stimulate, which means you can literally think yourself ill which is totally the wrong long-term response.
I feel through this journey my lifelong policy of “no regrets” has returned. That’s not to say having no regrets doesn’t mean not having any. Rather it means not beating myself up about not doing, or doing, something I should or shouldn’t have done. Mostly we all go through life reacting the best way we can given the information we have at the time. Hindsight should be accommodated the same way memories are, as a means of doing better next time.
So I will continue to stay in touch with Dad, as I have done these last twelve month or so, even though at times the reminder that Mum is no longer by his side is a painful one. It is worse for Dad, she was his wife of over sixty years and they’d known each other twenty years before they got married. I must remember that he needs support, even if he says he’s fine.
I also have a policy of what I can’t control I don’t worry about. This may sound harsh in the current context, but it’s more a view of the world. There are too many things to fix, too much anger and upset and I can’t do much about most of them. But if I can do something, even in a small way like in publishing this very personal podcast that may help others, or just one person going through something similar then it would have been worth it.
And that’s not to say I don’t strive to improve; passing on knowledge and wisdom, such that I have, to those that will listen who have a willingness to learn.
What I have learnt these past twelve months, is to focus on the good bits, the delightful memories and remind myself that Mum had a long life. She got to do a lot of things, and mostly I think she enjoyed herself.
And of course, you could accuse me of cherry-picking the better moments, for I know she had some bad times, but isn’t that what life is all about, the good bits? No one wants, or expects, a litany of failings and misery disclosed at their funeral service, or immortalised on their grave. Just as we seek the good in people so I think we must remember the good also.
And remembering the good will help when we realise that everything has changed. No more celebrating birthdays the same way, Christmas or Mothers Day. Yet they can be honoured, maybe with a candle, a prayer, flowers and so on. For me personally I remember the person on their birthday, not the day they died. Firstly I already know the date and secondly I believe it’s mentally healthier, though I do admit to acknowledge their passing on the first anniversary of their death.
And maintenance of good mental health also means I don’t look back in anguish. The past is what it is, you can only move forward. And if you made a mistake then learn from it and try your best not to make it again. Easy to say, hard to do, but in the end if you can’t forgive then it’s only yourself that will suffer.
Hand in hand with this is the last memory. I had a very quick decision to make when I heard the news, whether to go see Mum in the hospital mortuary or not. Then later, the opportunity to see her at the Funeral Parlour. I turned down both. Not because I’m squeamish, but because I preferred the last memory of Mum to be when she was alive. And here too I’m going to cherry-pick which memory. Not the one of her looking back at me from the chair in the Care Home but one I hope always to carry in my heart. Of Mum leaning on the balustrade of the Rialto Bridge in Venice, Italy. Enthused and excited to be exploring the world, with her husband and children.
That’s how I know there is life after death for those of us who are left behind. Because I have an everlasting memory of Mum, in the midst of an adventure, happy and fulfilled in life, exploring the world with her family by her side.
Rest in peace Mum, God bless.
Shownote Links
Organisations that offer Bereavement Support information
(alphabetical order)
I’ve not used them myself, as I never thought to look online.
Please do your own due diligence / research to ensure they are right for you.
Including:
